The biggest change is that I lost my Sensei. He took my zekken that he had given me to mark me as his student. I'm still training at the same dojo, but under the authority of the man that owns the dojo. When he took that zekken, he took my entire future, everything I'd been working for. Or at least, that's what he wanted me to believe. The loss of him as a teacher and a mentor hurts worse than I really care to describe. When he took my zekken, he brought up literally every mistake I've ever made in the almost seven years I was his student, and the memory of the way he spoke to me... well, I don't know if that will ever stop hurting. I'm still somewhat bitter about what happened, but I don't hate him. I'm trying really hard to not say anything negative about him behind his back, partly because I want to preserve my own image, and partly because I want to reflect well on the man that owns the dojo, who is the only reason I'm still allowed to train there. The one that owns the dojo is my Judo Sensei, and he is a truly amazing individual that believes in my abilities. Sadly enough, I think that what happened with my (ex) Kendo Sensei was for the best. It has forced me to examine who I am, and to value myself aside from what one man thinks of me. I would have given him my whole life, I would have dedicated everything I am to trying to spread his way of teaching. That is precisely why I'm glad that he walked away.
There is a line from a Grey's Anatomy episode that comes to mind here. "When someone lets go of your hand... you get your hand back." It's true. I got my hand back. Now, what am I going to do with it? The core of my dreams and my beliefs hasn't changed. I still want the same thing I always wanted- to become a Sensei. The only difference is that now I get to do it on my terms. I get to develop my own belief system. I get to decide how I teach. I want to teach in a way that truly makes peoples' lives better, and makes everyone involved better people. It's interesting when I read back over my old posts how much I valued the smallest kindness from my Senpai. I so quickly forgave them when they were just downright shitty to me, and their smallest encouragement or criticism had really huge effects on me. I loved them unconditionally, and I really looked up to them. I want to create a dojo environment where the relationships between the members of the dojo, especially between the Senpai and the Kohai, is a main focus. I truly want it to be like a family. Martial arts is scary sometimes. It makes you learn about the weakest parts of yourself, and it pushes you to your breaking point. If people could train in a safe environment where they felt safe to be less than perfect, I think that they could overcome their weaknesses much more efficiently. That's not to say that I don't understand the value of hard training. I plan to push my students to their breaking point, to make them come back stronger. But I never, never, NEVER want to make them feel like it's the end of the world if they fail. I never want anyone to feel like less of a person if they crack under the pressure. I want them to feel safe enough to come back and do it again.
The core meaning of martial arts (at least the Budo arts) is to train yourself so that you become a better person, and to always treat others with respect. I want a dojo environment that's focused on mutual support and encouragement, and that is equally welcoming to people of all ages. I've been left out of so many things not because of who I am or what my abilities are, but because I just happen to be younger than the rest of the group. Personally, I think that more focus should be put on the younger ones, because they have the most potential as well as the most need for stability. I want a family friendly environment outside of the dojo too. I want no cliques or elitist groups of middle-aged man that go to bars and leave the minors out of it (not like I'm talking from personal experience or anything). As long as it's a group that I'm in charge of, people will be excellent to one another. In a way, I'm combining the value systems from both of my chosen martial arts. From Kendo, I learned the value of a rough training. I learned how to not quit. I learned how to work hard. I also learned how to behave in a more traditional Budo way. From Judo, I learned how to adapt a Japanese art to an American audience and still keep its core intact. I learned the value of a friendly training environment. All the Judo people I've ever met have been extraordinarily nice. It's an almost unnervingly nice group of people to be around. I want to teach both martial arts, and I want to combine the things I've learned from each world to create the ideal environment. My old Kendo Sensei told me that I won't be able to continue both arts for my whole life, but I think he's wrong. I think I can become a Sensei in both.
Most of all, I believe that being a Sensei is about more than just teaching martial arts. It's about teaching a better way of life. I want my students to respect me, but I also want younger students to feel free to come to me for advice. I especially want any children or teenagers to feel like I'm someone they can trust.
Here's a summary of the kind of Sensei I plan to be.
- Teach Kendo and Judo
- Take values from both Kendo and Judo
- Kendo- more conservative style, lots of emphasis on formalities, really hard training.
- Judo- mutually supportive environment, ability to adapt Japanese martial art to American audience and still keep the core principles intact.
- Family friendly environment
- No cliques
- Teach more than just martial arts. Be a friend and a mentor.
